Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
