3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
