the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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