Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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