Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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