i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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