I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
