Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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