Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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