If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
