Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
