Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just blew my weed a kiss
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