No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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