I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
