my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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