i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
