I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
