Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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