Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
