Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
