Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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