Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
