I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize