i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
