So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
