I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
