I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
