mondays should just be called national damage control day
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
