is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
