I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
