dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
