i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
