Are we in a gay sports bar?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
