tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
