i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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