He is such a slut. More and more my type.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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