I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
