My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
