There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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