I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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