sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
