Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
