I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
