Duck Duck Cougar?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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