Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
