Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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