i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
