so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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