I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize