CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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