oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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