her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
