I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
