last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just made my gag reflex go away.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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