So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
