Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
