Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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