boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
