id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
