Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
