Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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