She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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