i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize