dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize