I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
